Update…and not such a happy one.

So we are far from out of the woods. The night brought a renewed sense of fear for Diego and so this morning has been one of the hardest of my life. Leaving him at school nearly killed me. He is so scared. And so sad. Making him stay feels like a cruel torture and I am questioning if we are strong enough to do this. 

Leaving the house this morning took every bit of my negotiating skills. The bus ride there was teary and tough. Begging me to buy plane tickets to go back home. But we made it. A bit of a pep talk outside and then in we went. Gave him a hug and a kiss and made my way out back to the bus. Not a moment later he came fleeing out of the school, tear streaked face, saying he couldn’t stay. Another kid was sitting in his seat and when he went there they said something to him, possibly kind, but in Diego’s scared little mind, all he heard was laughing and taunting.  Getting him to go back in happened only because his teacher said I could come too. So I sat at the back of the class trying desperately not to cry in front of all his classmates and doing my very best to look brave for him. Tuesday mornings are when they have “sport” and so we headed off to the gym. With every ounce of coaxing I could muster, he headed down to the change room with the rest of the boys. I slipped outside, sat on a bench and cried and cried. 

This is just so hard. My heart aches for what we are putting them through and yet my mind knows that this year will build in them the strength, resiliency and world knowledge that will forever change them for the better. But right now it feels like we’re just tearing him apart, not building him up. I’m his mom, I’m supposed to be able to protect him in this world and instead I feel as though I’ve thrown him to the wolves. 

And so after a good long cry, waiting to see if he would once again flee the building, I finally left and cried the whole bus ride home. 

Now I need to pull myself together, do the laundry, pack a picnic, research Ferarri dealerships and put on a brave face. And brace myself for the fight to get him to go back for the afternoon. I don’t know if I have the fight in me. I just want to wrap him in my arms, buy him an ice cream and never send him to the scary place again.

 But I know full well that some of life’s greatest victories are the scariest to overcome. Who are we as parents if we help our kids avoid everything that is scary? I don’t want to raise kids who will experience life from the sidelines, too scared to get into the game. It is the ultimate battle of the head and the heart.

By the time most of you read this we’ll be near the end of the day again. Sure hope I have good news to share. 

8 Comments Add yours

  1. Simone says:

    Anna I can totally empathize with your pain and fear as well as the desire to have your child learn and grow.. we went through some similar heartbreaking times with Jo.. it’s so hard to leave your child knowing they’re unhappy.. hoping today is a smidge better.. hugs maman!

    Like

    1. Oh Simone, I bet you can relate. I just dropped him off again for the after lunch session and he ran ahead to catch up with some buddies. This time I burst out in laughter rather than tears. Maybe we’re over the hump. Thanks for the hugs.

      Like

  2. Tracey Doupe says:

    Sending a big hug to you and Diego right now! It must be so intimidating for Diego and heartbreaking for you but I’m quite confident that if there is anyone out there that can inspire their kids and demonstrate strength of character & fearlessness it is you Anna. The kids and Manolo are so lucky to have you as their mom and wife. And me.. I’m just lucky to call you a friend. Have been for over 20 years now! Each day is going to get easier for D. We’re all rooting for you guys! Love Trace

    Like

    1. Thanks sweet friend. Your words are like a big giant hug! I love that I can always count on you to be my cheerleader. xoxo

      Like

  3. Lenny says:

    Sorry to read of your challenges, you are a special strong lady.,just keep loving him, it will work out.

    We miss you here. Lenny

    Like

    1. Thank you Lenny. We seem to have made it through to the other side of this one, a little bruised but stronger nonetheless. My mornings will be rocky for some time but at least I now have proof that the love I pour into him is giving him the courage he needs.
      Your words of support mean the world to me. Thank you

      Like

  4. Jill says:

    Anna, man oh man, such honesty and bravery and vulnerability. All the best to you and your remarkable family.
    Shine on
    Jill

    Like

    1. Thank you Jill. Such a big exhale today. Toughest parenting moment so far…
      Sure could have used the book club ladies this week!
      xo

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s